mayonnaise?

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 22:59:59 GMT

So today I had a Fed-Ex package picked up from my house by the guy in the Fed-Ex truck. He accidently parked across the street and went to my neighbor's house, but I quickly ran outside and gave him my package. Anyways, that was like an hour and half ago. So I look outside like 10 minutes ago, and I notice another Fed-Ex truck parked in front of the house next to me. Now I am scared, because what are the odds that another person on my street would try to get a Fed-Ex package? So I waited for a few minutes and I looked again, and it was still there! It has been anywhere between 8-10 minutes, and the truck is still there! So I started thinking, and I realized that this could be one of those things where a kidnapper/robber/murderer dresses up as the Fed-Ex man. While this may not seem plausible, this type of stuff is always on the news! So, while I wait to see if the truck moves, I will devise a plan in case this Fed-Ex man does indeed attempt to invade my house.

1) Fake-Fed-Ex Man (FFEM) rings the doorbell and knocks, but I tell my mom of his devious scheme, and we do not answer. Instead, we slowly begin to arm ourselves.
2) FFEM realizes that no one is home, so he breaks a window and leaps into the house.
3) At this point my mom and I have suffuciently armed ourselves and the house, Home Alone style.
4) The FFEM is in the first room in my house, and when he attempts to open the door to the basement, my mother and I (watching via hidden camera, we are currently situated in an undisclosed location within my house) giggle in glee, because I told her to do that thing like in the Home Alone movie where the guy burns his hand on the door knob.
5) FFEM touches the door knob and successfully opens the door
6) I yell at my mother for thinking that pouring mildly hot water onto the door knob would result in the FFEM 's hand burning.
7) The FFEM scans the basement and sees that no one is there
8) At this point, it occurs to me that I should consider calling the police, so I tried. Unfortunately, the FFEM cut off our phone wires! Undaunted, I reached into my pocket to get my cell phone, only to discover it was missing! I looked into the camera to see what the FFEM was up to, and boy was I surprised to see him calmy munching on my cell phone. (At this point he was still standing on the steps leading down to the basement.)
9) Now I was truly worried, not only was this FFEM an ingenious break-in-entry artist, but he also ate cell phones! For all I knew, he could have been capable of eating all types of metal!
10) The FFEM journeys up the stairs into the second level of the house. As he climbs the stairs, he emits an eerie background music, kinda like "Dum Dum DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM". Needless to say, I was scared, partly becuase of the "DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM" part, but also because this FFEM had all sorts of special powers!
11) He snoops around the kitchen and I decide to make my move.
12) I heroicly and valiantly defeat the FFEM

Phew! Fortunately, it turns out that the FFEM was in fact a RFEM (Real Fed-Ex Man) and picked up a package from my neighbor.

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 20:39:42 GMT

Well, I realize that I haven't posted an actual entry.... ever. So, in compliance with that trend, I will now proceed to make another meaningless entry. This entry will be a Choose Your Own Adventure! For those who are not familiar with the genre, it is very simple and very fun. Basically, I will introduce a story, but this time it will be reader interactive, because at certain junctions, you will be able to choose what to do, and then you will be directed to a certain part to continue. (It will be easy to do once you start, dont worry) And now, we begin!

You wake up in an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar bed, with mirrors lining the wall on your right, and menacing stuffed animals hanging... menacingly above you! To the left of you is a door, and in front of the bed is a plain lime green wall.
Suddenly, you hear 3 knocks on the door. (Your First Choice!)

You can either
A) Answer the door
B) Pretend to be asleep

(Go Down to the Section Labeled A or B, whichever you chose)

A:

You slowly get up, and open the door to see yourself staring down 9 millimeters of lead. Shoulda chose B. Start Over! (And no, not all the choices will be either live or die, it gets better)

B:

You lie with your eyes shut and you hear the door slowly creak open (CREEEEAAAAAK) You hear someone walk about the room, and then quickly leave. You slightly open your eyes and realize you are once again alone. So, you get up and walk over to the mirrored wall. There are 2 closets, but you feel that you have time only to explore one. One closet has a poster of Richard Pryor on the front of it, while the other closet has a life size poster of Homestar Runner on it. (Go to Pryor or Homestar below)

Pryor:

You open the closet and die. Damn yo.

Homestar:

You open the closet and find a seemingly ordinary closet in front of you. Clothes hang in front of you, strangely it seems as though they may fit you... perfectly. On the closet floor lays a photo album. You open, and it is filled with photos of yourself. You leaf through the album, stopping to admire the best shots, and adding a few of your own from your wallet. Suddenly, the door opens behind you, and a thin, heavyset man, with a thick British accent, says to you "The Boss will see you now". You make your way to the door, and follow him out into the hallway.

You go to see the Boss, but actually, it turns out the boss is just a fancy British word for hole in the ground. Therefore, you are dead. Dag yo.

As you can tell, I got tired of making that, so it's over! Anyways, I realize I haven't updated in a month, and here are a few reasons why
1) I ran out of ideas for a little while
2) I re-discovered addictinggames.com (helicopter in particular, my top score is like 2800)
3) School started
4) Baseball playoffs

Anyways, I might update more frequently from now on, it depends on how many ideas I get.

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 03:38:00 GMT

Well, today was the first day of school.

Ok, on to the next part of the entry! Lately, I have seen a lot of people have things in their journal such as "Post anonomously and tell me your honest opinion of me". And now I will become one of those people. Sort of. Here's what to do: Make an anonomysous comment and tell me your honest opinion of me.... but then reverse all the adjectives and descriptive phrases! For example, if I originally typed: "Neyl, you are a good friend, a funny guy, and an incredible dancer", I would edit it to say "Neyl, you are a bad friend, a corny guy, and an absolutely hopeless dancer". Notice that I did not change friend into enemy or guy into girl. Anyways, comment! Even if I don't know you and you just found my livejournal when you searched for incredibly awesome on Google, comment anyways!

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 00:54:53 GMT

You know, if you played your cards right, using just golf and knock knock jokes, you could accomplish a lot.

update

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 05:20:34 GMT

A disturbingly high amount of people have been asking me various questions about my livejournal, and it is getting annoying, so I will now answer them in FAQ format:

Frequently Asked Questions:

1) Yo man! Your livejournal was the shit!! What happened to it, you never update it anymore!? That's mo' wack!

Answer: I made this livejournal while I was procrastinating during the school year, and I only updated it while avoiding doing schoolwork. However in the summer I don't have any work to put off doing, considering the fact that I have not started my summer work. However, when I do start that summer work, there is a chance I will update this journal with one of my usual entries.

2) That last entry SUCKED! What the heck happened to your journal! I used to be your biggest fan, now you SUCK!

Answer: I didn't write the last entry, a surprise celebrity guest star wrote it.

Well, those two questions pretty much cover all of the questions I have received about this journal. And, rest assured, this will be the last entry that will have any semblance of seriousness in it for a long time.

fish and dip? chips and chips? weird.

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 03:49:58 GMT

i haven't updated in a while so here i go! i was in florida with my mommy for 5 days and i went to the beach one day by myself and i met this really cool girl who lives in new brunswick. we've been keeping in touch and she's awesome i'm really glad we met. we might get together sometime soon! :)
oh so today i went with my mom to get a roll of film and i saw probably the saddest thing.. we were waiting at a red light at an intersection and a car which was going threw the green light hit this old lady that was crossing the street. a bunch of people jumped out of their cars but we didn't because we didn't want to hold up traffic. i hope she's ok.
so that was on the way to the store. on the way back we were at another red light and this college looking student was stopped next to us and he rolled down his window like he was looking for directions so i rolled down mine and we was like, "ow, you just kneed me in the ass!" and i had no idea what to do. all i can say is thank god for green lights.
besides that the birds are still barking, cats still chirping, and dogs sill meowing. lions still mooing, cows still roaring. neyl still FARTING. oops i let out my secret!
i end this entry on one very important note-
WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 04:06:48 GMT

Today I experienced something that I thought would never happen. While I was making my way through my daily inspection of my personal Tepparmy, I saw that the Type C Tepper's were trying to hide something from me. I immediately investigated, and I soon discovered a new type of Tepper!!!! And it appeared to be.... a female!

Behold.....

This new, female Tepper is nicknamed the MEGDOM Tepper. (MEGDOM is an acronoym for mutant egotistical generous diabolical obliterating machine). As soon as i encountered this MEGDOM, I tried to converse with it, but it immediately attempted to bite me, one of its many obliterating attacks. Simply put, this MEGDOM is a fearfully efficient killing machine. The other Teppers treat it as a sort of queen, a fact which obviously would throw off the entire hierarchy of your Tepparmy. Therefore, the MEGDOM must either be tamed or destroyed. Having already attempted the former, I next tried the latter. However, since MEGDOM is an obliterating machine, all conventional weapons were rendered useless, because the MEGDOM obliterated them. I was caught in quite a pickle. Then I realized the answer.... pickles!

The MEGDOM was both intimadated and fascinated by this glowing pickle that I set in front of it, giving me enough time to plan my next move. I realized that I must try to befriend this MEGDOM, because destroying it was simply not possible. I chuckled under my breath at the prospect of befriending such an omnipotent force, but as I laughed, the MEGDOM laughed with me. When I stopped, it stopped. I soon realized the MEGDOM's weakness... laughter!! Whenever I laughed, it laughed, rendering it completely powerless and vunerable. I recorded the sound of myself laughing, caged the now vunerable MEGDOM, and left it there, with the recording on repeating play. Thus, I conquered the mighty MEGDOM and left it to live in its prison of laughter.

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 22:58:24 GMT

I promised in my previous entry (in a comment) that I would create an entry detailing exactly how to go about training a Tepparmy, so now I will proceed to do so.

The first step in training a Tepparmy is acquiring a Tepparmy for the low, low price of 12 payments of 29.95. Once this transaction is complete, you are well on your way tocreating a clever/stupid army. There are three basic types of Tepper's that you will encounter in your Tepparmy. The first kind is the serious and thoughtful Tepper, a Type A Tepper. This type of Tepper is the most rare and most coveted type of Tepper, because they function as generals in your Tepparmy.

When you first receive your Tepparmy, you must find this type of Tepper and quickly acquaint yourself with him, because as I said before, he will function as a general. The easiest way to spot a Type A Tepper is to play the theme from Sportscenter on a radio about 500 feet away from where your Tepparmy is situated. Almost every Tepper will immediately go running towards the sound, but the very few who do not run towards the sound of Sportscenter are the Type A Tepper. You may think that this Tepper does not run towards SC sounds because he his more thoughtful and serious, and therefore mature, but you are sadly mistaken. The real reason a Type A Tepper does not run towards SC sounds is because all Type A Tepper are deaf.

After you have sorted out the Type A Teppers, you must move on to the Type B Tepper. This Tepper is the most numerous type of Tepper, because he is the stupid Tepper who has his moments of intelligence. Therefore, this type of Tepper will constitute the actual force of your Tepparmy, and therefore is vital to your success in whatever you desire to do with your Tepparmy.

This type of Tepper is quite easy to spot, because after you find the Type A Teppers, distinguishing between the Type B and C Teppers is quite easy, as you will see later. Anyways, now to expand on the matter of the Type B Tepper. Alrite, now that we've expanded, let's move on.

The Type C Tepper will soon become your worst enemy. He is useless to you and your schemes, but unfortunately, the Type A and Type B Tepper use the Type C tepper for... ahem, reproductive purposes. So, you must quickly capture the monkey like Type C Tepper and put them in a "brothel of love" for your Tepparmy. Pictured below is the Type C Tepper.

In conclusion, raising a Tepparmy is really not that difficult to do. After you purchase your Tepparmy batch, usually numbering at about 100 Teppers, they will reproduce (as detailed above) quickly, so long as you provide the right "environment" (also detailed above). Before you know it, your Tepparmy will be unstoppable.

an update to my plan

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 21:04:07 GMT

In regard to my previous entry about world domination, I have since realized that growing a sun in my backyard is a task too difficult, even for someone as incredible as myself. Consequently, I have a new plan that may work even better than the previous one. I will tell this story in the past tense now for practice, because I am so sure that my plan will succeed and I will be telling it to people in the future, so I will get my practice in now. Tnew and much more daring plan required me to recruit a group of highly trained yet mindless drones to carry out my orders. Luckily, I am friends with Sam Tepper and I have a cloning machine, so after an afternoon of cloning I had a smart yet stupid army at my disposal. I then ordered this army (codenamed: Tepparmy) to accomplish three tasks. 1) Attain all the debonder and other anti-glue substances in the world, a task that should be fairly easy for my massive army, 2) Go into every store in the world and steal every chapstick tube, and 3)Replace the chapstick within the tubes with glue, and return all the tubes. Then, when my Tepparmy has finished, people who use chapstick will not be able to speak!! I realize that not everyone uses chapstick, but I am quite sure that at least all the world leaders and actors and famous people do. So, the world leaders will be pressured by the now-mute Hollywood to surrender power to me, in exchange for debonder. Plan complete = )

trip

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 18:23:13 GMT

If you don't already know, last weekend and monday (12th-14th) I went to Stanford, California to watch my brother's graduation. If you want to see the pictures, go to http://community.webshots.com/user/jchmel (Don't ask about the user name, its a loooooong story)

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Wed, 09 Jun 2004 22:12:11 GMT

If I were the director/writer of a movie, man would I have a good time. The movie would probably about gingerbread men, because whenever the gingerbread man in those little kid's books runs away, do you think that all the other gingerbread men on the tray stay at home? Do you think that these assorted gingerbread men just chill, getting ready to be eaten? Heck no! These gingerbread men, in my movie entitled Tears and Tragedy: A Story of Sweets, will go on various dangerious yet ironically hilarious adventures. One such adventure would be about one gingerbread man asking out another gingerbreadwoman, but when they try to kiss, the chocalate lips of the male get melted onto the lips of the female, which leaves the male tragically mute. Thus, the tears and tragedy.

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Tue, 08 Jun 2004 22:52:49 GMT

As my first entry, I will briefly outline my plan for world domination:

1) Assassinate Cheryl, before she can ever become president
2) Use her dead body as rocket ship fuel
3) Fly this rocket ship into the sun, destroying it
3A) (to be completed before step three) Grow my own sun, in the backyard
4) When I blow up the sun, use my new home-grown sun to bribe the planet
5) Now, world leaders crumble like legos, giving me control = )
6) Cheddar